我現在寫不太出來。剛剛我從我們學校韓國學生會組織的Korea Expo回來。我在晚餐的時候看到他。他穿灰色的西裝，開心地跟他朋友講話。他感覺好像比以前更可愛.lol我會不會太噁心了。我假裝沒看到他，可是我的心跳得好快。我還以為我已經快要忘記他了，可是沒有。假裝沒看到他後我就再也找不到他了。那是我最後一眼看到他。表演下半場，有很多韓國辣妹跳舞。我心想，有這麼多漂亮的韓國女孩，他一定不可能會喜歡我。這我原本就知道的，可是看到她們都那麼瘦/漂亮又會跳舞，我就覺得自己一點競爭力都沒有。況且她們還是韓國人。我知道自己一點機會都沒有。可是最令我傷心的不是這個，而是我知道這可能是我最後一次看到他了，而我什麼也沒做，我什麼也不能做。我一回到房間，就開始哭。先是坐在床上哭，然後趴下來哭，哭得好淒慘。自己喜歡他的程度，連自己都嚇了一跳。我真的不應該去參加這個活動的。那麼努力忘記他的，卻因為看到他幾秒，我的腦海又充滿著他。
我好想再跟他講一次話，再一次看到他的笑容。只是想，再擁有更多關於他的回憶。寒假在書店工作的那幾個禮拜，我會永遠記得...
而他卻永遠不會知道。
I am back again. Please forgive me for writing English. Actually English has become the language that is closer to my heart, because I keep talking to myself in English when I cry. I seriously don't know what to do. I just called mom. She said after a few years, I will see that it's not serious at all. She said 我只是感情沒有寄託，所以把感情全部放在他上面, and I think she might be right. 我每次都是這樣整個豁出去，然後再把自己弄得遍體鱗傷。OK, maybe I didn't 豁出去。每次都馬是暗戀而已... 唉。I just wish I could have at least had a chance with him. I guess I will try to lose weight and gain more confidence in myself, so I am not so insecure all the time. Oh gosh, I can't stop thinking about him. I thought I had already forgotten him (or almost). What's going on man.
Wa~~~~~~ *~~ > o < ~~* ~~~~~~~~~
Omg, I wonder if anyone I know is going to see this. I would be so embarrassed. But I need to write because if I don't I'll go crazy. OK let me get this straight: we will never see each other again. He is Korean, I am Taiwanese. He is non Muslim, I am Muslim. He is going to have a lucrative career in NASA or somewhere like that, and I still have no idea what I am going to do with my life. He is thin, I am fat. And oh did I mention this, we will never see each other again.
So what I am even going crazy about. Rationally speaking this is so RIDICULOUS. Actually, I do feel a little bit better now. 看來我還是要寫出來才舒服。But then I still think about him a lot when I am not distracted. And I have dreamed of him many times since I quit my job. What to do? What to do?
How can he have so much power over me? He almost makes me wish I were Korean so I could connect with him. But I know that I should always be thankful for whatever Allah has bestowed on me. Alhamdulillah. It's OK I just need to have patience. I will forget him eventually insha'Allah. It's going to be fine.
Insha'Allah.
But why are you testing me so much O Allah? 2012 has been so crazy so far. First, I fell in love with him, then Grandma passed away, then I got into Bayyinah but had arguments with my family, then I lived a 不是人過得日子 kind of lifestyle because I was taking 20 credits, then I withdrew and gave up my French major, then I saw him and remembered him again and cried, so much. When I think about it, it's so dramatic. Actually, if I really think about it, my life is SUPER dramatic. How many people have experienced BOTH living in a high-class apartment in Palais Royal AND being homeless and BEGGING in Paris... How many people have taken a random bus and gone into a random small village in Morocco and met awesome people... Oh and how many people have experienced life in East Asia, North America, and Europe, + have connections with the Middle East... I guess I have experienced a lot. Alhamdulillah God is giving me a lot of different adventures. But sometimes it's so exhausting.
With every difficulty comes relief, though. Insha'Allah everything will be fine at the end. May Allah help me and give me the strength to pull through these crazy times, ameen. All I want is Peace, and You are Peace, and from You is Peace, O Allah, so please return me to You.
我好想再跟他講一次話，再一次看到他的笑容。只是想，再擁有更多關於他的回憶。寒假在書店工作的那幾個禮拜，我會永遠記得...
而他卻永遠不會知道。
I am back again. Please forgive me for writing English. Actually English has become the language that is closer to my heart, because I keep talking to myself in English when I cry. I seriously don't know what to do. I just called mom. She said after a few years, I will see that it's not serious at all. She said 我只是感情沒有寄託，所以把感情全部放在他上面, and I think she might be right. 我每次都是這樣整個豁出去，然後再把自己弄得遍體鱗傷。OK, maybe I didn't 豁出去。每次都馬是暗戀而已... 唉。I just wish I could have at least had a chance with him. I guess I will try to lose weight and gain more confidence in myself, so I am not so insecure all the time. Oh gosh, I can't stop thinking about him. I thought I had already forgotten him (or almost). What's going on man.
Wa~~~~~~ *~~ > o < ~~* ~~~~~~~~~
Omg, I wonder if anyone I know is going to see this. I would be so embarrassed. But I need to write because if I don't I'll go crazy. OK let me get this straight: we will never see each other again. He is Korean, I am Taiwanese. He is non Muslim, I am Muslim. He is going to have a lucrative career in NASA or somewhere like that, and I still have no idea what I am going to do with my life. He is thin, I am fat. And oh did I mention this, we will never see each other again.
So what I am even going crazy about. Rationally speaking this is so RIDICULOUS. Actually, I do feel a little bit better now. 看來我還是要寫出來才舒服。But then I still think about him a lot when I am not distracted. And I have dreamed of him many times since I quit my job. What to do? What to do?
How can he have so much power over me? He almost makes me wish I were Korean so I could connect with him. But I know that I should always be thankful for whatever Allah has bestowed on me. Alhamdulillah. It's OK I just need to have patience. I will forget him eventually insha'Allah. It's going to be fine.
Insha'Allah.
But why are you testing me so much O Allah? 2012 has been so crazy so far. First, I fell in love with him, then Grandma passed away, then I got into Bayyinah but had arguments with my family, then I lived a 不是人過得日子 kind of lifestyle because I was taking 20 credits, then I withdrew and gave up my French major, then I saw him and remembered him again and cried, so much. When I think about it, it's so dramatic. Actually, if I really think about it, my life is SUPER dramatic. How many people have experienced BOTH living in a high-class apartment in Palais Royal AND being homeless and BEGGING in Paris... How many people have taken a random bus and gone into a random small village in Morocco and met awesome people... Oh and how many people have experienced life in East Asia, North America, and Europe, + have connections with the Middle East... I guess I have experienced a lot. Alhamdulillah God is giving me a lot of different adventures. But sometimes it's so exhausting.
With every difficulty comes relief, though. Insha'Allah everything will be fine at the end. May Allah help me and give me the strength to pull through these crazy times, ameen. All I want is Peace, and You are Peace, and from You is Peace, O Allah, so please return me to You.
沒有留言:
張貼留言